This blog is late because I have been putting it off. This is not surprising since the topic of this post is about an area of life in which I have been engaged via the fine art of utter denial and complete avoidance.
This dance feels rather useful when I’m in it, that is until the music stops and the lights get flipped on. There I am with reality and … reality. And I can either hide or, well, face it.
And, so, I am opting in, with admitted resistance, to facing it. Here we go: I need to deal with some basic health stuff, which I have put off for quite some time. I’d like to say that the qualifier for “some time” is in months or weeks, maybe even a year. But, in my case, it’s many years. Many, many years of not dealing with stuff I know I need to deal with. This stuff involves mammograms, dental work, ultrasounds, colonoscopies, and skin checks.
Barf. I hate writing all of that because most of this isn’t even routine health screenings, it’s stuff that has been flagged and tests have been ordered and appointments have been made and I just haven’t shown up. For many many many many years. This doesn’t exactly fit with who I am in the world or the congruency I seek with my own wellness, which I why I probably feel nauseous right now.
Yet, maybe it does fit with who I am, as a person who has endured a ton of trauma in childhood and adulthood. The result of that is that I do not like to be touched, or exposed, or cared for by people whom I deem to be in positions of authority. It also means that I have been in survival mode for a variety of reasons, which doesn’t exactly leave a ton of room for agency in my own health.
Also – the gooey middle of this – I just don’t want to know anything bad. I really really don’t. I just, within the last few months, have started to feel better in terms of my own personhood and my recovery around C-PTSD. I feel open, available, yet strong, boundaried. I am learning to trust myself again, a smidge closer to trusting others. I feel hunger and curiosity and space and possibility. Ugh. I’m terrified that if I go to one of these appointments, I’ll find out something that pulls me back like a rubberband out of feeling alive, of feeling my life.
The problem with this thinking is that, when it comes to scary body stuff, delaying knowing is never ever worth it. In fact, delaying knowing is far more dangerous to my personhood in the end. Deep breath, I say to my sweet scared little kid me, let’s dive into this deep end and just know what we need to know.
I don’t want to do this alone. In fact, I know I can’t. So, this month in MommaStrong, we will together be tackling Scary Body Stuff in our October Challenge. We will be talking about avoidant behavior, why it is hard to get help, HOW to get help, and what to do if you get bad news or good news or something in between. And in case you don’t know what the heck a challenge here is like, basically, you register, you join the challenge group in our community, you listen to one short episode of our mini podcast each week, and you comment or discuss as you like. OH, and you try to show up for 5-15 minutes of exercise as often as possible during the challenge.
The challenge starts on Monday, October 3rd, which I am aware is basically NOW, so sign up ASAP! I’ll also be doing a live 15-minute workout at 9:30am CST on Monday on our Instagram (@momma_strong) if you want to kick things off with me. Otherwise, if you are a current member, you can register by logging in to your account, clicking the “Challenges” link in the teal navigation menu and following the instructions there. If you are a new member, HELLO! Simply sign up and follow those directions above.
Ok, I feel better having gotten all that off my chest. Pun intended because I need to go schedule my mammogram now. Ok bye.