Done with Decisions
I had what I call a “slow down day” yesterday. Well, to be honest, I didn’t name it that until I gained some perspective after a major meltdown around 11pm, just as I scheduled an urgent care telehealth appointment for yet another insane assortment of symptoms for yet another kiddo. Earlier that day, I had driven around town for three hours searching for antibiotics that no pharmacy had, taking work calls while driving, stopping on the side of the road to get something posted and emailed, managing other kiddo’s schedules, dealing with deadlines at their school, and OH YEAH I dropped my ONLY car key down - get ready for it - the space between the elevator and the building at the doctor’s office. I know you’ve wondered before if something could fall down there and the answer is yes, yes it can. Can it be retrieved? No, no it cannot.
So, following the 11pm urgent care visit and a good bar of chocolate, I moved from assuming the wheels had fallen off and the universe was out to get me to understanding that I simply was juggling more than one person can actually juggle in a single day. And instead of feeling like some beast of chaos was directly against me, I made the simple and gentle realization that I was moving too fast. I needed to slow down. And all my years of recovery lingo came swooping in and there I was, face to face with familiar isms and reminders to pause and focus on what I can actually control in my day and what I cannot.
What can I control? Not much, honestly, hahaha. But, I can control the urgency and the pace and frenetic approach to the stuff at hand. I can say NO to some things, which always feels impossibly untrue. I suppose that most of the time, when experiencing a “slow down day”, I feel pretty certain that there are no other options available than to just pummel through and take it ALL on. And any suggestions that that story is not true makes me feel as if I am being blamed for the shitty day, which then leads to me feeling like DO YOU KNOW WHAT WE CARETAKERS CARRY?
Alas, there’s a dance here between reality being empirically oppressive some days and the way in which I hold that reality’s hand. This is the part where those recovery mantras come in and the part where I feel both sad and invisible, AND completely evolved and healthy all at once. It’s like taking the hand of a toddler having a tantrum and sturdily saying, “It makes perfect sense that you’re feeling this way and I’m going to keep you company until you feel better, but I’m also going to keep us firmly focused on the next step ahead.”
This also reminds me of a podcast I listened to yearsssss ago with a high-level search and rescue firefighter in San Francisco. The interviewer asked her, “In your experience with rescuing people, are accidents always truly accidents or is there something else at play?” She responded that, yes, accidents can be truly be freak accidents and things for which none of us can prepare, BUT she said that a lot of the time accidents are actually a confluence of micro-errors that all pile up to one big messy horrible thing. She said that after all she has seen, she has a practice of doing a “pilot’s checklist” every time she does something that comes with risk and then she turns the rest over to the great unknown. In essence, she does her part and then shows up as needed from there.
And while I remember this and apply it, I also simultaneously join the little kid in me who is having a tantrum and ask her the bold and ugly question: What do you need? How can I help you get safe? And sure enough, as I discovered yesterday, that then opens up all the feels and all the stuff and all the humanness. Most of the time, there’s a need or two (or a million) in there that hasn’t been met and instead of sitting with that, I am pushing through. Pushing pushing pushing pushing through.
My biggest takeaway yesterday was that at this time of year I am in the throes of extreme decision fatigue. I just can’t make any more decisions right now. Everything that needs my attention feels like it’s yelling at me and my executive functioning skills are worn down. In fact, as I was driving back in an Uber yesterday dealing with the lost car key situation, I had the whoosh of desire to have just one day where I do absolutely zero for anyone else. And then I started thinking about the last time that happened and, well, I just don’t know.
I am a person who is hitched to being of service and that is an essential component of my life values. And yet, this might be the time of year where that showing up for service is just not very rooted. It’s flighty and on fumes, which means we could argue if it’s really even service at all anymore. And I know we’ve heard this all before, but I want to spend time with the part that sits in my guts right now, which is: Decision Fatigue. I want to just name and claim that that is where I am. I don’t need to fix it or transcend it. I just need to name it. My hope is that by doing that, I accept the reality that right now, I need to pause and let my brain heal a bit. Period. It just needs a minute to let the circuitry cool down.
And, so, this is the awesome part of this post where I get to introduce the April 2024 Hook, which begins our new structure for these monthly challenges. We will no longer be offering “new” Hooks each month (because of, you know, being on fumes), but instead will offer “new” Hooks with new content during the months of May, September, and January each year. In the months outside of those, we will be doing what we’re calling a “Remix Hook”. We will present a casual theme and then simply curate a month’s worth of current content (keeping to content that is around 5 minutes each day) and give you an opportunity to get something done and to track it for a little ping of dopamine.
So, April Remix Hook is dedicated to “Done with Decisions” and in keeping with that, we’ve lined up a full month with daily mini workouts and you’ll have access to the comment feed and community aspect as well. I’ll be there too, jumping in to say heyyyyyyy and make sure everyone is feeling connected and accomplished. The great news is that this is PERFECT for you if you need to not make a single decision about what workout to do or even what your body needs. Instead, we have you covered. Just click play, have that be good enough, and let your circuitry rest.
To register for The April 2024 Remix Hook: Done with Decisions, here we go:
If you are a not yet a member, you’ll need to join using our intro offer of $5 and then go register at the link for current members listed below.
As a current member, you’ll simply go to this post in the community and then click “Join”.
I look forward to helping each other cool off and slow down, also … hold on to your keys.